Legends and myths

All you ever need to know about an online merchant.

Fact: Online sellers do nothing all day.

We will clarify now the workflow of an online seller: Work is starting at 12:00 O’clock with a glass of Prosecco and the work distribution is being discussed meanwhile.  The meeting is closed between 13:30 – 14:15 because of the upcoming lunch break. Exactly at 14:25 everyone is starting again to work after they were all in the toilets and had their coffee cups filled up. Every employee is then updating his orders on his PC and sending as fast as possible the template e-mail replies – full with all and every crap inside-to all the annoying inquiring clients. Exactly at 15:00 o’clock the online seller is at the Golf Club.

Fact: such a Computer freak is lazy and stupid. Customers order their goods themselves, and they are brought by the postman.

About the online merchants: they are all allowed to smoke because they have already reached the smoking age. With a simple click all the orders are completed, and the pre-packed packages are thrown into the mail wagons. Impatiently the online merchant is waiting for the mail car and thinking while smoking where is the postman and why he is so late to collect the packages. Finally at 15:03 the postman has arrived so our employee is coming down to the yard and saying to the postman in short “close the door when you are done“. He then jumps quickly in his porsche because he is already late for his Golf game. Normally he is punctually at 15:00 in the Golf club.

Fact: Online sellers are all chain smokers and drinking all day Cola.

Online sellers are definitely no chain smokers. They just light up a cigarette and put it on the ashtray, then wait till it burns up and then light the next one...we can’t call them chain smokers. Online sellers do drink cola but only with rum, vodka, or whiskey. Cola is too sweet for them to be drunk alone.

Fact: Online sellers wear jogging pants and have long unkempt hair.

The myth about online sellers that they have long unkempt hair is wrong because the fatty strands are being combed to the back only to not to fall down on the horn glasses while working. Online sellers do wear jogging pants at work (between 12:00 and 15:00). The rest of the day they are wearing pin-striped suits just to forget about their tiring day.

Fact: Online sellers create terribly complicated online shops where nobody can find anything.

The online seller is trying always to reach the balance between buyers. A German online shop should reach buyers in Germany, Austria, Belgium, Switzerland and the Netherlands. All these nationalities do understand German. You have to reach the balance between all of them. The Austrians are intelligent and beautiful, the Belgians are free and happy, the Dutch are living in democracy with culture and fun in life, and the Swiss are successful with a high level of education. The balance in a German web shop is created on the fact that Germany on the map lies in the centre between all these countries.

Fact: online sellers are screwing everybody by the shipping costs.

The shipping costs are calculated according to § 4 paragraph 1 of the commission Regulation which should also be known to you, in conjunction with § 75a paragraph 4, 2 of the Act to increase in profits and are progressive in straight-line depreciation. Sliding scale for shipping costs, in the context of § 54 paragraph 4 and 7, in conjunction with § 19 section 2 and 9 where the OLG Dusseldorf not this contradicts what remains to be seen, since the Court of Appeal in London with his current decision to § 47 a in connection § 92 paragraph 4 are replaced by the replacement scheme. At last remain the package and the label.

Fact: online sellers never answer the phone.

Regarding the working hours of an online seller as mentioned in point 1, the online seller is always answering the phone between 12:00 and 12:25, also between 14:25 and 14:45.

Fact: calling an online seller, they always require a customer number or order number.

Online sellers think they are so important. Although he knows your name because he sent you the wrong package, he wants to gain some time by asking about your customer number. This question has a strategic background. It would be stupid to claim that he doesn’t know the daily 300 customers by name.

Fact: online sellers are all nerds.

How can you call someone who wears horn-rimmed glasses and jogging pants “nerd”?
Do you believe that we are like that?
We don’t. Do you? We will convince you that this is only a fairy tale and has nothing to do with our everyday life. But we are pleased we could amuse you for a while.